he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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