After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
