Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
