If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My balls are so social today.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
