Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
