My hand turned me down
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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