i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize