You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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