well you can't waste a boner
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
