Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
