nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize