Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize