____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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