i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize