Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize