New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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