I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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