Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
