oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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