pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
