I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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