I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
