Your tits are I can't wait for
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
