So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your penis caused this!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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