god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
