I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
