We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
