I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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