Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
