i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
