she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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