just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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