You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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