I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
