omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
