just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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