if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
