i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
