Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
