my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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