I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
