My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
