my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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