Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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