I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
