I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
