Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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