I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
