so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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