Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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