It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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