Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
