I wish I only lived at night.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize