Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
