Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
