I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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