The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
