Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
