Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
