nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i drank out of a bidet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize