I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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