Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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