Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize