I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
