took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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