the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
