the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
