why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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