I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
