If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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