First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
