would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
